COME As You Are

感謝YDY論壇WithOrWithoutU網友提供的封面圖(偶噴鼻血了)，內頁出來了。

封面原始載點由film58(Sally Relph)網友提供：http://twitpic.com/34fgze 

不知道可不可以跟女王八月號一起打包買？某警察局長會不會看了這張圖更奮力抓賊去(那雙手應該是我家女王的，誰來PS一下)？

2010/12/02更新：

感謝YDY論壇多情如我網友放出消失的第43頁，前半段如DIVA網站上的介紹，後半段還真的有內情。

2010/11/12更新：

再次感謝YDY論壇VenAcá網友提供內頁載點： http://www.sendspace.com/file/7d4642

此為iPad或iPhone版，大家直接解壓縮裡面的圖片檔即可，剩下給Mac OS跑的程式不用解開。我發現少了43頁，不知是廣告還是放的人遺漏掉，內文很清晰，我正在研究中(還沒看到關鍵性部份，強力懷疑是在掉的那頁中)，改天再補充。

PS：還好噴鼻血的只有封面，不然女王要學諾曼人入侵英格蘭了。

2010/11/13更新：增加文字版內文(尚未完工)。

目錄頁

內文第40頁

內文第41頁

內文第42頁

內文第43頁(缺本頁)

內文第44頁

內文第45頁

內文第46頁

全文(有文字部份)：

內文第40頁：Laurel Holloman: A Life in Pictures

SINCE THE SERIES ENDED, THE ACTRESS BEHIND THE L WORD'S TINA KENNARD HAS TAKEN A NEW ARTISTIC DIRECTION, CREATING HUGE ABSTRACT PAINTIINGS THAT ARE SELLING TO COLLECTORS AROUND THE WORLD. SHE TALKSTO RACHEL SHELLEY ABOUT SEXUAL IDENTITY; HER DRIVE TO CREATE AND HOW SHE SURVIVES THE CELEBRITY CULTURE.

內文第43頁

The sirens are wailing on the streets below Laurel Holloman's downtown LA studio, and she's struggling to make herself heard. But she really wants to set the record straight.

"I think maybe I shouldn't identify as bisexual. I'm just not sure it'd be right to use that label again. I used it in my 20s because I was trying to be honest. I had an experience after I shot Two Girls in Love [Laurel's breakthrough film role, over 15 years ago] and I thought it was a possibility. I guess I thought I could be bisexual. But then it never happened again. I've never had a relationship with a woman, so all my gay friends are like, you can't use that label. You're a straight girl that had a bi-curious hiccup. That's what Leisha [Hailey, aka The L Word's Alice] says."

I don't need to tell you that this is sensitive ground. For six seasons on TV's The L Word, Laurel formed half of the sacrosanct relationship at the core of the show's beating heart. She was Tina, indivisible from Bette for TiBette fans the world over. Tina was, however, a bisexual character. The show's fan-base is predominately a lesbian one, an audience previously starved of any media presence, real or fictional. So when Tina Kennard returned to men in Season Four, seemingly trading Bette Porter in for, heaven forbid, Henry, most of her screen friends and some of her fans gave up on her. Albeit temporarily. Laurel now says of this storyline, "It wasn't a story that was explored. There are always shades of grey". Bisexuality, it seems, can be a political minefield. So Laurel's keen to extrapolate:

"Thing is, I know that by backing off that label, it could look like I'm afraid. But, as an older woman, I'm very clear about my sexuality. I’m more solid in my identity, I never question it. But I'm also a very open person, maybe naively open… I'm comfortable in my skin. I don't need a bunch of smoke and mirrors. I consider myself straight, I guess, but… I hate that label too. I hate all labels!"

Something Tina Kennard would no doubt agree with. But more of her later.

It isn't surprising that Laurel Lisa Holloman, a southern belle from North Carolina who is yet to turn 40, hates labels – the more open she is, the harder it gets to pin one on her. And she is very open. She's even an avid Twitterer. At the time of press, she and her husband of nine years are in the midst of a trial separation, so she's not entirely sure if that classifies her as a single mother to Lola (aged 6) and Nala (2½), or not. She’s spent the last 20 years carving a very successful niche for herself as an indie film/cutting edge TV actress. And yet here she is, keeping us all on our toes by suddenly this summer reviving a prolific passion for abstract art and creating enormous, stunning, colour-rich canvases that are selling to collectors the world over, via her studio website. Which begs the question, were the enormous upheavals in her personal life what sparked this seismic shift in career?

"I was in the middle of a transition. I went back to [Tribeca in] New York, where I first started acting, and felt most creative, got a painter's loft and single-parented. I didn't go out a lot - there was a lot of loneliness. It was like a cocoon. I created this art cocoon where I forcedmyslef to paint  every day. In it, I purged a lot of the sadness, which possibly could be the pain of my separation. All I know is that it was like a clinging ?? to whatever my identity was before I got married and had kids. This ??ative person. I felt I was getting back almost to the Person I was right out of college. And that's why I was painting." 

So she shunned everything except her inner life. It sounds therapeutic. "Completely therapeutic. The two things that make it really therapeutic are the music and the repetitiveness of the brush strokes. And just the richness and the sensuousness of the colour. When I'm painting and I'm in a groove, I have music on really loud. Bullet was one of the first paintings I sold, it's all based on this Damien Rice song, Nine Crimes. All I did was listen to Damien Rice all summer. It was ridiculous how much I listened to lt."

If you know the album, you know how heart-wringing yet beautifully sad it is: Rice's tortured voice quivering with emotion alongside that of his estranged girlfriend Lisa Hannigan. Refreshingly, Laurel doesn't flinch from owning such emotional rawness: "In Tribeca Series there's a lot of sadness. Tons of sadness in those paintings. I listened to Radiohead, to Travis... I'm an emotional person. I operate from my heart, from a spontaneous place. I don't always react from my head. I think, if I want to act or paint, it's not a bad thing."

For a moment I'm worried. Is this an either/or situation, the acting or the painting? "I'm hitting a spot in my acting career where I need to combine it with something else, if I'm going to stay happy. I don't know what the future holds but I do see myself painting as an older woman. I don't know how it will manifest. All I know is, I can't stop. I feel like I did when I first started acting. God, I have so much to learn - that craving of the learning and the newness of something.

"And I paint with everything. From sable brushes that cost $100 to brushes from the hardware store, my hands and fingers and everything from a diaper to a baby wipe. It's all very tactile for me. I get real messy. It's so opposite to acting in that way."

PS:紅色為無法辨識之字體。

內文第44頁

Bullet

"The two things that make [painting] reaily therapeutic are the music and the repetitiveness of the brush strokes. And just the richness and the sensuousness of the colour. When I'm painting and I'm in a groove, I have music on really loud. Bullet was one of the first paintings I sold, it's all based on this Damien Rice song Nine Crimes."

  Listening to her talk, I realise the painting is not only an artistic passion, but a personal rediscovery, as hokey as that sounds. A reaction against her alter-ego, the perfectly groomed Angeleno she played for six years on TV. Tina's Hollywood vibe was probably spilling over into Laurel's own world with all those red carpet appearances. Laurel's painting allows a private return to the passionate, feisty, jeans and t-shirt indie tomboy who's desperate to get her hands dirty, only this time not with the contents of a stinky nappy. She once described her southern childhood as "very Sally Mann, ie lots of childhood skinny- dipping, painting fences, catching snakes. Somehow painting brings

"I'm an emotional person. I operate from my heart, from a spontaneous place"

all of that back for me." To paint, and especially to paint large, bold, complexly layered canvases, is to be free of those prissy Hollywood expectations about appearance that taint the creative process. Yes, her work is still judged, but she owns the work completely in a way an actor never can.

  "I really love painting because it's 100% mine," she says. "I wanted to have something where I was being creative but I could also have control over two things: the time it takes to create and complete creative control over what it is. You don't have that in filmmaking. In filmmaking you have to collaborate with everyone else."

  Does that make art more scary? "Yeah, oh yeah. It's always really hard for me to show a painting. I think at the beginning, when you're putting yourself out there and you're scared to death and you're worrying you're going to bejudged, you have to say, 'Am I happy?' And if the answer is, 'I'm happy', you just keep going. I've picked something that is incredibly subjective, and the thing is, I'm totally happy."

  That said, Laurel isn't about to walk away from her Hollywood profile and its initial role in the success of her art website. "In some ways it's a blessing as it's a wonderful launch for this. The fans have been amazing. But as an artist, to keep painting and producing work that I'm proud of... I want it to be just about the art. I feel very adamant about learning and improving myself and studying. Instead of using the semi-celebrity of The L Word."

  That admirably modest attitude to her work brings us back to Tina Kennard again. It's true that L Word fans are known to be fiercely loyal, which only makes the very vocal abandonment of Tina by a few when she had her bisexual hiccup all the more surprising. But Laurel is quick to defend their reaction.

  "I don't think Tina would be with a guy who cuts his toenails in the living room and watches that much football. And had the most boring straight friends in the world! I think Tina was truly a bisexual in that she had real, long-term relationships with men. But the love of her life was Bette. Politically, she identified as being lesbian, sexually she was comfortable with men. That story was very plot-driven. It created this massive crazy division between the straight and the gay friends. I found it a little unbelievable that Tina's friends would change [towards her] because she was with a man."

  Not a great depiction of a bisexual's experience, you could say. "The important lesson is that we need to accept the fluidity of people's sexuality. I wish in several places we had worked a little harder to find out what the truths are. Like the Kinsey Scale - you can move along it and you're more gay or move the scale back and you're right in the middle and bi. There's fluidity. Labels don't always apply to everybody."

LAUREL'S LISTS

FAVOURITE ACTRESSES "This list could never be complete!"

Halle Berry
Helen Mirren
Kate Winslet
Naomi Watts
Julianne Moore
Diane Lane
Laura Linney

CELEBRITY CRUSHES

Angelina Jolie "The baddest motherfucker."
Diane Lane "Or maybe I just want to have a beer with her."

FAVOURITE ARTISTS "I want art to move me, not shock me. I want it to feel more visually sensual, that's why I'm more into female painters now."

Louise Bourgeois
Kiki Smith
Ashley Collins "'A LA-based artist who broke price barriers for female artists."
Anne Lapin
Marlene Dumas
Georgia O'Keefe "My dad had a giant print in his bedroom and I just remember staring at it as a kid and loving it. It definitely had on eject on me."

FAVOURITE ROLES

Tina Kennard (The L Word) "One of the most profound things I've done as far as acting goes."
Randy Dean (The Incredibly True Adventure of Two Girls in Love)
Ashley "Ash" Van Dyke (Lush, opposite Laura Linney)
Emily Hodge (The Rising Place, opposite Frances Fisher)

內文第46頁

IN THE STUDIO
"Sometimes I get little blocks. I throw up a canvas and say: 'Ok, there is no agenda with this painting, it's not a commission, I'm only going to turn on some music and let myself go.' I did that when I got [to LA] and I ended up painting Untitled Green. And then I felt that broke the ice. I had to free flow it for a while."

  Ah, those labels again. And that's one of the things I love about Laurel- she won't settle for an easy, one-size-fits-all label if she can deconstruct, analyse and dissect a subject down to its barest bones. Exposing layer upon layer of diverse texture and colour, just like in her paintings, with the honesty and curiosity of an artist's mind.

  And if you're wondering where this dlrive to analyse comes from, then look no further than her childhood, once again: "You could say l've been in therapy my entire life because my mum is a psychologist and she's my best friend. You get free therapy the whole time."

"The important lesson is that we need to accept the fluidity of people's sexuality. Labels don't always apply to everybody."

  Maybe that's what makes Laurel such a rigorous actor, such a passionate artist and such a wonderfully comfortable person to spend time with. She's already processed so much of the dross that can clog up a Hollywood existence.

  She doesn't need that bunch of smoke and mirrors because she's dealt with the crap, she's solid in her identity. Does she have a personal mantra to keep her on track, to navigate the cacophonic Hollywood highways that have brought her to this point in life?

  "Every day I strive to get to a place where I'm not affected by the external world, and I don't use the external world to define or tell me who I am.

  I strive for a state of equanimity and calm and a state of grace, so I can be free of definitions. If you are free, then you can create beautiful things. It's really just shutting out the noise."

看到這一句"But the love of her life was Bette."，身為TiBette Nation的國民應該放一下煙火！

PS:內文沒有完全訂正，若有錯誤麻煩留言告知，感謝！推薦一下圖像轉檔成文字的線上OCR網站：http://www.newocr.com/